Fr. Bob spoke yesterday about a priest who was experiencing dryness. He had asked the priest, "Do you pray?" and the priest responded that he could not pray because every time he did, he thought of all the sins he’d committed in his life. Fr. Bob responded with, "Do you not know that God loves you? You must find a way to get past this or you will never grow and you will miss all that God has in store for you."
Perhaps this is my problem, in part. I know God loves me, intellectually speaking... but I don’t believe this concept has sunk beyond that and into my soul.
I feel broken... like a toy that cannot be repaired. I suffer from depression and I feel like a failure as a parent. I could go on and list all the negatives but I’ve been doing that in my own mind for days and I don’t want to reduce myself to tears at this point. Perhaps there is some reason I’ve been allowed to experience what I have... some greater purpose I cannot see yet.
I have a lot of resentment built up due to certain circumstances in my life. I hate the circumstance and I hate the resentment even more. Sometimes, I just let it go and other times, it sneaks up on me and settles in a huge wave of depression, anxiety and anger.
The past week has been one of those times.
Yesterday was particularly difficult. At Mass, my emotions were numb. But, when I took the Eucharist,I actually began to cry. I cannot explain what I was feeling. Even as I reflect now, I get choked up. It was as if Jesus were saying, "Do you not know that I love you? You must find a way to get past this or you will never grow and you will miss all that I have in store for you..."
Lord, I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief.