Wednesday, April 25, 2007


So, there I was, in my cesspool of self-pity and depression. Dry. Unfeeling. Numb. Sadness overwhelming me like a blanket snuffing out a fire.

And once again, God came near to me through others. Some spoke, some listened, some prayed. One thing that struck me in particular was something TJ said, "Jesus holds his arms out on the cross and says, 'Amber you come up here and share your suffering with me for awhile.'"


I cannot remember word for word but Corey said something about Sister Faustina and how Jesus told her that when it seems God is far from her, he is actually closer - and that he just removes the awareness of his presence. I suppose God does this to bring us closer to him, to build trust and perseverance.

Yesterday, I was feeling much better. Then, this morning, I was listening to Food for the Journey and Sister Ann Shields made mention of the Meditation of the Day in the Magnificat for today. It was from Monsignor Roman Guardini and it was so appropriate for what I've been experiencing.

God is always and everywhere near to man. But to man himself, his presence is inaccessible, blocked off. God alone can open up this channel...

And Jesus has brought this presence to us. We know that the Father loves us in Jesus. We have confidence in the grace of his love for us; we know that his eyes see us, his heart it turned toward us, and his hands lead us. We believe that heaven is around us... However, one thing is missing: we do not feel the presence of God; It is still closed off, from our side. It is closed off by what we ourselves are; by the heaviness of our imprisoned being; by the slothfulness and dullness of our hearts; by the evil that is in us. Heaven would be here entire if God opened up his presence to us, and at the same time opened up men's hearts so they could feel this presence...

Every Christian act, belief, love, sacrifice, struggle, every perseverance, and courageous performance - all these things make possible the approach of him who desires only to come forward. But all coldness, indifference, slothfulness, weakness, pride, covetousness - everything sin is called - forces him back, bars the road to him. And heaven fights. Heaven wants to come to us. For heaven is only God's love come home....

Today is a new day... God is good. I know God is near though I cannot feel him. He has shown me his presence through others. I'm not giving up. I'm moving forward and thanking him for today.

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